thinking about it

When we first decided to try to get pregnant, we were the only couple in our group of friends interested in the concept.  Our other friends were six or more months away from the idea.

When I tried talking to them about how bummed out I was, they meant well, but they didn't know what to say.

Who does?  What is there to say? 

"It will happen."

"Just relax and enjoy the process."

"Once you stop thinking about it, you'll get pregnant."

Good luck with that last one.  Look, the fact is, if you know your cycle and you want to get pregnant, you can't not think about it. Because you can count.  If you can count to fourteen, you will be thinking about getting pregnant.  At fourteen days, you are ovulating (usually), and your body tells you, and then you know you can get pregnant, and then you are thinking about it.

That's it.  You can't help it.

Once the fourteen day mark hits, you know you could be getting pregnant any minute now.  And if you are me, and smoke and drink, you are thinking about how this is a bad thing that you are doing to your body and your future baby and your are now thinking about your guillt, and about how you should stop doing these things. 

Then you stop and now suddenly you are acting pregnant.  Which is weird, because you aren't, and people ask you uncomfortable questions, and you tell them, "well, we're trying, but..."

And then we're back to square one with the aforementioned advice-giving. 

Its a vicious cycle.  Not a joke.  A fact.

Thinking about getting pregnant is pretty much unavoidable if you are really, honest-to-jesus interested in getting pregnant, like, soon.

If you are toying with the idea, and you just figure, eh, it'll happen if it happens then I can see how you can keep your mind a bit more at peace.

But that was not the case with us.  At least with me.  Because I am a woman who likes a plan.  And the plan was to get pregnant summer of 2010.

I am still not pregnant.  Clearly, I am still thinking about it.